Something guiding the way

Interview with “A” - Part 2 (of 3. probably.)

Before we talked, I sent “A” a list of questions. I thought they were pretty good. “A” disagreed. These types of questions require thinking, “A” said. And thinking is the enemy of happiness. #HotTake.


Instead, “A” has found peace by turning away from thoughts as a lens on life. In this interview, “A” shares their thoughts (“it’s an interview, we have to talk”) on what they have found in thinking, and silence.


“I’ve found that relying on thoughts to think about my life–to try to figure something out, what I should be doing–has led to misery. There’s a very strong sense that to try to find answers to anything the mind’s putting up is more suffering. Tail chasing.”


“I saw that ‘thinking things through’ wasn’t working. When I stopped doing that, I saw that things worked out fine, or better than they did before. I used to get a lot of anxiety having to talk to my boss. If I had a meeting coming up, I’d think, ‘Is he gonna say this?’ ‘How will i respond?’ And the anxiety would build. When I realized that wasn’t helping, it stopped happening. We would have meetings and I'd be relaxed. So then I had to admit: rumination makes things worse. And a kind of trust emerged: maybe that isn’t necessary. Maybe something is guiding the way.”


“Once that wasn’t being engaged with anymore, there was a recognition: so much of what thinking tends to produce is really unhelpful…‘Thinking’ doesn’t deliver the goods.”


“At the time, I didn’t even know that they were thoughts. I just thought that’s what was happening. That it’s the case. Whatever was coming up. I didn't see that these were ideas, and that they could be wrong. I didn't even have that as a possibility in my head.” 


“So as a first step, I started seeing that these weren’t absolute facts. ‘Maybe my view is skewed and I'm wrong about how fucked the world is.’ That was the first step to opening the door a little bit. It wasn’t quick. But I could see something I didn’t see before. There was a little relief. And it grew.”


“You’ve probably got a lot out of using your mind as a tool. But for me thinking has historically–probably since puberty, maybe a little earlier–has caused consternation and suffering. It was self-obsession. And engaging with that was the problem.” 


“What’s directly observable right now? That question has been much more helpful than following thought-trains.”


“Usually, thoughts present thoughts about things that aren’t happening. Worrying about what happened previously, or what’s coming up in the future. I just feel like you’re not gonna find the answers in that imagining. Whatever the answers are, it has to be here and now.”


What role do thoughts play in your life? 

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